What is the impact of ignoring versus naming the elephant in the room?
Margaret reported that she had hoped to feel energized and rested after the 3-day Labor Day weekend. But thanks to a run-in with a (metaphoric) elephant, that’s not what happened.
In this episode, David and Margaret share how those elephants — in this case, unspoken emotions — can impact us. They explored the challenges and benefits of naming the elephant in the room.
To Name or Not To Name: Emotions in Group Settings
Margaret shared how she spent part of the long weekend: attending a 95th birthday party for Margaret’s partner’s grandfather. She reported that the occasion left her both joyful … and exhausted. Despite the sweetness and celebration of the occasion, at which the birthday celebrant was grateful and remarkably present and sharp, Margaret felt a proverbial unnamed elephant in the room.
She and her partner later reflected on the elephant, which was much unspoken sadness and anticipatory grief that many of the family members present at the gathering seemed to be feeling, even though the occasion was technically cheerful. The birthday man was one of the few who openly acknowledged the event’s significance given his age — and the fact that there might not be too many more parties like this one for his birthday.
David suggested that sometimes naming emotions in such situations is clarifying and helps people process them. Naming unspoken truths and emotions is generally a good strategy, in safe contexts, but it also depends on who is present.
Margaret expressed uncertainty about whether others at this specific party would have been comfortable with such openness.
They explored the broader question of how to address elephants in the room and agreed that naming emotions is generally helpful — even if such naming might first create discomfort and vulnerability before it creates safety.
What About Organizational Elephants?
David and Margaret discussed the challenges and benefits of addressing unspoken fears and emotions in organizational settings.
There is a lot of anxiety on many of the fundraising teams and leaders our hosts speak with. Many are worried about missing goals and falling short.
In an organizational setting, it falls often to the leader to take the initiative and share their own fears first. They explored how when a leader names and acknowledges their own feelings, particularly through personal “I” statements, it can create safety and encourage open dialogue with others on the team.
They noted how rare this approach is in organizational cultures, in part because for such conversations to be effective, there must be high levels of trust. David has worked with a team that did reach this level of trust, and they were able to be vulnerable and “clear” what was on their minds. He recalls how sharp that exercise made them, and how present they could be to the business at hand after they cleared.
Building Trust and Resolving Conflict
David and Margaret discussed the importance of addressing and managing difficult emotions and issues within teams big and small. They share about their own experiences when such exercises turned out to be a very important use of the time — sometimes more important than the pre-existing agenda. They shared personal experiences of how acknowledging and processing emotions can lead to more productive meetings and better team dynamics.
If your team needs help creating a culture that has the skills to address those elephants, our hosts offer a two-consecutive-half-day training program called “Growing Together Through Trust, Candor, and Conflict” to help teams build trust and handle disagreements effectively. They encouraged listeners to reach out for coaching or share their own strategies for dealing with elephants in the room.